Monday Morning

"We're all here to do what we're all here to do."

On Monday of just this week I sat around a table of middle management and up...and felt disgust. Utter disgust. I had a headache by the time it was all over. There we sat, discussing the impact of market exposure and errors on customer accounts. Managers vying to impress the big boss, whose name ironically sounds like something from a mafia movie. "This isn't me," I thought to myself. I know what I'm capable of, and it's something way beyond which error type causes the largest impact to the firm. What difference did it make? How am I helping people? How does this help me? Is this going to make me happy? My frustration grew, and for the first time in a long time - maybe in my life - I started to question where I fit. And I knew almost before I asked that it wasn't at that table.

You hear a lot of people talk about code. Something to stand for or believe in. To have a purpose. To make a difference. Thinking about the past 27 years of my life is a frustrating experience. I'm not, by any stretch of the imagination, disappointed with every second of my life. Just like everyone, there are some moments I wish I could forget and some I wish I could live forever. What I'm saying is, leading up to today, right now, I don't believe I've done what I am here to do. To make matters worse, I don't even know what that is. But I have made enough mistakes and wrong turns to know what it's not. I can't say that people don't walk around wondering what they're here for - hell, I didn't even start thinking about it until recently. But I'm sure there are individuals who live their life day-to-day, relishing the good and suffering the bad, but not putting it together to form something bigger. Not learning a lesson, and not teaching anyone else. Not playing the role of the cog in the machine. It's a strange thing to feel clear and confused at the same time. Motivated yet hampered. Living on both ends of the continuum. Constantly feeling a lump in my throat, but not knowing if tears of joy or pain will fall...or if, indeed, they'll fall at all. Even right now I wish I could write forever, to best articulate what I'm feeling. But the solace I find in this new found appreciation for life is the new found appreciation for life itself. Call it a moment of clarity...call it a fire under my ass...I honestly don't know what to call it, but I'm glad I have it, and hope I don't lose it. Does that make me better than the next person? Of course not...I'd never think that of myself.

I just wish the same for everyone.

Waive Goodbye

Waive Goodbye - Patrick Kelly

You’d never see the sun setting on his mother’s love
She always tried to give him better than what she’d had coming up
He gave a life full of memories and still lived her dream
But look where he ended up
She wonders now more than ever if what she gave him was enough
(But it’s never enough)

And still she runs a close-knit family with pain in her eyes
It’s raining tears but she withstands it, though it strains her to try
He left her with an understanding; he says “mama don’t cry”
“Just give me time, I’ll make it right”
And waives his goodbye

Time doesn’t seem to be quite enough to heal her pain
And if he’s not around to grow their seed, she might find someone else who can
Gave her 6 months of memories, now speaks through her dreams
It’s not the life he had planned
Now every time she needs her father, she’s looking for the wrong man
But how could she understand?

He’d started up his own family; he’d made them his life
A baby girl who misses daddy; a great loving wife
Still trying to keep them happy, he tells them, “ladies, don’t cry”
“Just give me time, I’ll make it right”
And waives his goodbye

In spite of doing all they can
They just can’t get him out their system
Still hoping for another chance
Just to say how much they miss him
He’s smiling on the other end
He wants them all to understand
Leaves his footprints in the sand
So they know he’s walking with them

Everyone should know his story, that’s why he left them behind
Everyone should be so lucky to love somebody of his kind
And when the night is at its darkest, they’re looking for his star to shine
“You had your time, we’ll be alright…now say your goodbye”

No homo

So Kanye West. He's a special guy. Producer extraordinaire and all around dickhead. Not because he doesn't make good music. I'll admit it...I own all four of his albums. But he is an ass, in the true sense of the word. And I know by even posting this blog I am playing into exactly what he preaches against. He always talks about saying things are "gay" in a negative context. I do it all the time. It's convenient. Gay is monosyllabic, three letters, and I'd venture to say even funny. I don't have a problem with gay people; I may not agree with their lifestyle, but as long as they don't try to impose it on anyone, do what you want. I don't agree with what Muslims have to say either, but as long as they're staying out of my church and not taking bacon off my plate we're good. But back Kanye. Below is a direct quote from Mr. West taken from the March issue of Details.

". . . if it's, like, good, good, good fashion-level, design-level stuff, where it's on a higher level than the average commercial design stuff, it's, like, gay people that do that. I think that should be said as a compliment. Like, 'Dude, that's so good it's almost . . . gay.'"

Sounds a little gay to me.

I hear what you're saying - don't use "gay" in a negative connotation. Fair enough. But you want me to use it in a positive context? Anything good in my life I don't want to be gay. "This steak is gay." Nope. Doesn't sound right, read right or type right. Sincerest apologies to all steaks out there. I don't even feel right saying it.

My point is simple. I understand using "gay" may be offensive, and I can easily find another word. But Kanye is pushing it. Stick to the beats dude.