"Why don't you write more happy songs?"

Because life sucks that's why. Ask any writer. We write from experience. Has my life been a bevy of shit, more shit with a side of shit and shit to drink (no ice)? Of course not. I have a lot to be thankful for, a lot to be happy or excited about. But when it comes to writing, it's different. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine the other night about this. Below is the follow-up e-mail I sent her. My attempt at explaining. Enjoy.

Beebs,
I was thinking about what you said the other night about writing more happy songs. I'm a happy person...promise. I think it's just a matter of not being that happy. I'm definitely not writing about "saw you in the club that night...you were lookin' so flyyyy....the way you wore those jeans...you had me hypnotiiiiiized." For one, that's never happened to me, and for two...eww. I have had some very good times relationship-wise, and I've written about those times. I think it's a matter of relatability. Is that a word? Well guess what...I already used it, so HA! Like if I write about all the good times, people will listen and think "wow that guy must've been happy." Sure they will. But then when I write about the bad times it's like "man that shit can not be easy." Plus I think I can go deeper with sad stuff than I can with happy stuff. Easily. And think about the music I compose. Not exactly "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" material. I like making dramatic music, and I've never really been dramatically happy or excited. Listen to My Immortal and tell me you don't get sad just listening to it. I think that's the thing about sad music too...even if you haven't gone through that same situation the song can take you exactly to where whoever wrote it was coming from. Can't do that with happy or upbeat songs. I can't feel what it's like to be rich because I listened to a P Diddy song. But I felt Amy Lee. Hopefully someday people will feel me. That's really it. Promise I'll smile more.

Love,
Your Big Brother

What are you willing to give?

All in together the weather is better than ever. I hope it never ends I hope it lasts forever. But when it does, we can all pretend that it's better than it's ever been...

We all go through things. It's life. When things are up, they can be really good. When things are down, it can get dicey. The rest of the time you're floating somewhere along the continuum. And that's fine while it lasts. But what happens when things get real rough? Not sandpaper rough. Not gravel rough. I'm talkin' boneyard rough. When your normal "I'll be alright" or "This will pass" doesn't work anymore. When you're tired of being a dog without a day. When you start to shut down...

Sometimes you just need someone to tell you it's ok. Maybe not make things ok. But sometimes just the words help. Just that extra little push that can take you to tomorrow when you thought you were going to lose it tonight. It helps to know someone is behind you. Someone who knows you and believes in your ability to persevere and bounce back. That, in and of itself can help you push through. Knowing that someone has your back even when you can't have it yourself.

Trust me, it's not easy to put your own issues on the back burner to help someone else with theirs. I mean let's face it, we all have shit to deal with. I've realized that being a friend/son/brother/cousin/supervisor/any other role you play in another's life comes with significant responsibility. Let me qualify that. Being a good [anyone of those] comes with siginificant responsibility. You have to be willing to sacrifice a lot for those you love. You have to be willing to not come first for a change. I honestly believe that if you're ok taking silver every now and then someone else will give you their gold. And if they don't, then helping them should be a victory unto itself. I'm not saying give all of yourself. You gotta keep something. But also remember that not everything you have is for you.

This year I'm thankful for everyone who let me come first. Happy Thanksgiving!

What's on the surface?

I think it's a matter of representation...

Strangely enough, watching the American Music Awards got me a-thinkin'. I wrote another blog about music. Check it out. I wrote couple blogs about being Black. Check them out. But I'm speaking more globally here. Bottom line, I don't want some of the people who represent me representing me. They can't represent me...there's no way. Let me explain...

Somehow, he made his way back...the self-proclaimed Ringleader himself, Mr. T-Pain. For anyone who saw the AMA's, you know what I'm getting at. But this man looked like a fool. Not a regular fool, but a Black fool, which is a whoooole kinda different. In some circles he'd be referred to as a coon. Urbandictionary.com defines "coonery" as: Antics and behavior displayed by certain underclass individuals in the Black culture, the end result being the embarrassment of the rest of the upstanding Black community. Except for the whole underclass part, this man was guilty of anywhere between 5 to 8 counts of coonery. Now speaking as a proud Black man, this was simply insulting. I feel you T-Pain, do what you do. But you're out here just acting a complete ass. Whites who aren't exposed to Blacks see him, they see 50 Cent, they see Pacman Jones, they see the local news, and extrapolate the rest. So to them I become a menace to society (I don't want to know what that combination would yield).

More food for thought: I don't know if anyone noticed, but the New Kids on the Block are back. Like for real back. They have an album out and everything. A new tour, and a shit-ton of fans. Really? Like that's the best we could do? I remember the "boy band" scene was the shit back in the day. Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, 98 Degrees, 5ive...it didn't stop. Everybody had a boy band (I'm going to stop saying boy band...it makes me uncomfortable). But now that that time is thankfully over, we've moved on to better things. Or so we thought. So now we have NKOTB once more. I say again...really? That's the best we could do? Again, it's all about representation. NKOTB are representing the current state of the music world. Scary, right?

And this is why I feel like I need to make it.

Now in an attempt not to be relabeled as a hater (trust, it's all love), I'd like to highlight an example we can all relate to. Not everyone who reads this is Black or an aspiring musician but I'm pretty sure y'all are American. So George W. Bush. He was the face of this country for the past 8 years. If other countries around the world weren't laughing at us, they hated us, and it was all because of this man. This horrible man. I'm done making my point. He sucks.

I know what you're thinking "well that muthafucka don't represent me!" He doesn't. You're right. I don't know T-Pain very well as a person, but I like to think we don't have much in common outside of being Black. NKOTB...yeah. No comment. Nothing in common with them either. The people whom I love and keep close to me represent who I am. But T-Pain and them...they represent groups I belong to. Black. Musician. American. When I think of times I'm ashamed of being part of a whole, those people are usually involved. Think of a time you were proud to be Black or Canadian or South American. When you were proud to be a woman or a man or a father or mother. Or proud to be a Baltimorean, New Yorker, or Texan. That means someone who represented those groups did something noteworthy. And those sheltered individuals who don't know you personally could easily be tricked into thinking you're the same as them. I guess it's a gift and a curse.

The most wonderful time of the year

We are coming up on my favorite time of year. The Holidays. Doesn't matter what god you pray to - just about everyone gets excited around this time...

Thanksgiving. It means a variety of things - you get to see family you haven't seen in a while. Friends you don't see too often come home from school and you pick up right where you left off. You meet your homeboy's new girlfriend for the first time. Or your sister's new fiance. Or your brand new niece or nephew. You get to eat your grandmother's home cooking. You get to watch the parade. Ok, you probably sleep through the parade but you know that shit is on. Then you have a football game to watch at noon. Another one at 3. Another one at 6. Watch it with your uncles and cousins. Hate the fact that you have to work the next day, but live in the now while you're with your loved ones. That's what I'm doing a week from today.

And it's cold outside. I catch a lot of flack when I say this but I love cold weather. Don't get me wrong - there isn't much you can't do with a sunny 70-degree day. But the cold is only for those who can appreciate it. Some people rush from the car to the front door. Me...I take deeper breaths. Inhale the crisp winter air. Embrace the gusts of wind that welcome me when I set foot outside. Tell the birds, "see you in Spring, bitches." It actually snowed yesterday in Baltimore. If at any point I was having a bad day, seeing frozen precipitation was a quick remedy. I couldn't wait to wear sweaters, coats, scarves. And I get it for 4 more months! Summer, take your time.

Lest we forget about Christmas? Oh yeah. I'm not even talking about Santa and them. Those boys can stay up in the North Pole for all I care. As much as I complain there's a certain appeal to going to the mall on that last Saturday before Christmas. Seeing all those families together. Little kids who have no idea that the one toy they've wanted all year is waiting in their parents' closet till its debut on Christmas morning. Certain appeal to driving around and seeing all the houses lit up with decorations. Thinking about the family time that went into decorating that tree you see in the living room window. Certain appeal to walking into the house and being overwhelmed with the scent of pine. Certain appeal about the cologne you got for Christmas - it still takes you back even when it's June. And there's a certain appeal to seeing people's reactions to the gift you got for them. It's the best when they're really surprised.

Never been big on New Year's Eve celebrations, but my birthday is January 14 (act accordingly), and I'm actually looking forward to this one. Yes I'm getting old. Fuck it. Staring 30 dead in the grill. But I can dig it... Don't usually get a lot of birthday presents; since it's so close to Christmas people think they can do the "combined" gift. Weak. But I think I'm going to start enjoying birthdays. It's an excuse for me to get all the people I care about together. This year will be no different, so mark your calendars...

I'm all done here. This all may be a bit premature, but I just thought I'd share. Thanks for listening. Here's to the next few months...

The Speakeasy will win

This eating healthy thing is going to raise my blood pressure. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and I asked her what my diet should look like. She asked me what it looked like now. The conversation something went like this:

Me: I try not to eat late (lying like shit), not a whole lot of red meat, I get my fill of vegetables, fruit, drink lots of water.
Her: That sounds about right. How often do you eat red meat?
Me: Maybe once or twice a week.
Her: Good. And vegetables? Fruits? How many a day?

A day doc? I eat like three a week. On a good week. Sometimes two a month. She then proceeded to tell me I should be eating nine servings of fruit/vegetables a day. Nine? Let's say I'm awake and functional (on average) for 18 hours a day. That means I am eating a vegetable or fruit every other hour...and that's not even factoring in travel time, showers, throw a nap in there, time I might be eating other food, etc.

She then proceeded to tell me I needed to eat different types of fruit and vegetables. She explained that each color represented a different vitamin/mineral/chemical or whatever that would help me live longer. Bananas are yellow so that means this. Tomatoes are red so that means this. Carrots are orange so they're good for this.

Well dammit lady, give me a plate of nachos covered with jalapenos, sour cream, taco meat and salsa - all kinds of colors, and it tastes delicious. Beer comes in all shades of brown, from pale ale and lager amber to the more earthy umber of porters and stouts. And beer is great. Don't worry doc, I'll still eat my veggies. I usually get lettuce and fried onions on my burger. No pictures this time. I'm hungry.

PS - Fried provolone cheese on a burger is never a good idea.

"Mr. Kelly, what's the piano picture all about?"

So I make music. If you ask me it's pretty damned good. Of course I'd say that right? No but seriously. I listen to what is on the radio. What the "people" like. It's really sad. I hate to sound like an old man, but music really isn't what it used to be. I could go back to the 60's or 70's for a reference but damn, do I really have to to prove my point? We could take it back to '94 if you wanted to. Hell, even '97. Don't get me wrong, there are still some gems out there today but you have to look. Hard. Now don't go calling me a hypocrite...I know there are some things on my iPod that some might deem questionable at best. Bottom line, I like what sounds good. Whether that's Britney or Beethoven, doesn't matter. But trust me, what I lack in music taste (isn't much) I more than make up for in musical talent. Something not on my iPod:

I could put u in a log...cabin somewhere in aspen,
Girl aint nothin to the Pain, it aint trickin if u got what u askin...forrrrr.
Put u in a mansion, somewhere in wiscansin.
Like i said it aint nothin to the pain we could change the last name, wats happinen.
~T-Pain

Romantic stuff. What girl doesn't want to hear that, right? Of course I'm being facetious. But people LOVE that song. Super love it. I don't understand. It sounds dumb, the lyrics are horrible, and Lil Wayne sounds wasted. But it gets spins. Lots of them. So anyone who likes this song please tell me why. Let's take another look. Something on my iPod:

Every night I long for you. I look up at the stars, and they whisper back your name.
So I stay up till dawn for you. Convinced the night is ours, but the emptiness remains.
‘Cause you’re still miles away from me, burning me up inside, it’s slowly, surely breaking me.
And your love keeps evading me,
But I can’t say no tonight so I’ll just wait here patiently.
~Patrick Kelly

This isn't the best I can do. There are better songs I've written with better lyrics, but you see what I'm working with. But next to T-Pain and them it looks like sheer brilliance. So what's he got that I don't (besides a recording contract)? There isn't much that I think I'm the best at. I don't even think I'm the best songwriter ever. But I'm pretty good. So someone tell me what's happening...and I'll tell you it's gotta be me. Sometime soonish. Someone else can sing the songs but they have to be sung, and more importantly they have to be heard. I have a gift...don't make me waste my time.

"Ma, we done struck it rich!"

What does a rich redneck do? Like seriously. When you refer to someone as "poor white trash," they have to be white, trashy, and oh yeah - poor. So say someone who, under normal circumstances, would be considered poor white trash. They hit the lottery. Or they go to Vegas and hit a lucky streak on the slots. Pick a lame horse with long odds to win it...and it does. Somehow they get their hands on some serious cake. What then? Are they rich white trash? And what do they spend their money on? Pickup trucks? 3,000 cases of Coors? Really shiny sunglasses? A really big gun to kill deer, Black people, or anyone that gets in the way of their rudimentarily hedonistic lifestyle? I always hear about people in Hampden or Dundalk, MD (non-Marylanders look it up...it's on the map right before the end of the world) winning the lottery and I wonder how their lives change.

That's all I got for a Saturday.